I'm going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation
I'm going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
I'm heading on up to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind
So come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine
Hold still, Ike. We have to get you dressed.
- Where the heck is Kyle? - I don't know. Come on, Kyle!
You're going to be late for Jew Scouts!
- Kyle! - I'm coming, Ma!
Go get the door, Kyle!
Get ready, answer the door...
Jesus Christ, make up your frigging mind!
Hey, Kenny.
I can't watch the meteor shower with you, Kenny.
I have to go to Jewbilee.
It's what we do in Jew Scouts.
Usually we just sit around and make stuff,
but tonight because there's a meteor shower,
we're gonna do some big thing out in the woods.
It's gonna suck ass, I'm sure.
Hey, maybe you can go with me. Then it won't suck so hard.
Ma, can Kenny go to Jewbilee with me?
Well, Kyle, Jewbilee is sort of a special thing.
Kenny isn't special?
No, no, you're very special, Kenny. It's just that...
Well, Jewbilee is for Jewish kids.
You see, boys, Jew Scouts is a special group
that borrows a little bit from all different Jewish denominations.
From the Orthodox Jews, from the Hasidic Jews,
from the Northern Italy Cave Jews.
But you have to believe the basic tenets of Judaism to be a Scout.
Kenny will believe whatever you want him to.
- Yeah! - Kyle, the problem is...
Please, Ma. I don't think Kenny has anywhere else to be tonight.
All right. Just don't let any of the Elders know that he isn't Jewish, okay?
Come on, Ike! It's time to go to Squirts.
You have to be in Squirts if you're too young to be a Jew Scout.
Don't worry, Kenny, I'll fill you in on our faith on the way up there.
And then, Kenny, Abraham's wife bore him no children.
She had a handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.
"And Sarai said unto Abraham, 'Behold now,
"'the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go into my maid. "'
Abraham begat Isaac, who the Lord then said to kill,
but that was just a little silly trick to see if Abraham would do it.
No, Ike! Ma, Ike keeps taking off his Squirt uniform!
Ike, you behave!
No, Ike!
I don't think Ike wants to go to Squirts.
Ike, your brother Kyle was in Squirts and so was I.
You have to go, so someday you can be a big, brave Jew Scout.
- No. - Tell Ike how much fun Squirts is, Kyle.
- What, you want me to lie? - Yeah, lie.
- Ike, Squirts is so much fun... - Oh, my God. What is that?
Hey, it's a bear!
Wow, cool!
This retreat really is out of the way, isn't it?
Welcome to Jewbilee! You folks find it okay?
Yeah, actually, we saw a bear a few miles back.
He was huge!
Yeah, we spotted him a few days ago. Nothing to worry about, though.
- Your boys are safe with us. - I'm sure they are.
We'll be back to pick you up after the meteor shower party, boys.
Goodbye, boys. Kyle and Ike, you be safe. And Kenny?
Try and act Jewish.
Come on, Squirt. We're meeting over here.
- Who are you? - I'm the Squirt leader.
I don't want to be the Squirt leader, but I don't have a choice.
It's the only way I can earn my Hutzpah Badge,
so I gotta spend all night instructing Squirts!
You have to go with him, Ike.
Don't worry, Ike. Squirts is fun, and I'll be right over there in the next building.
Come on!
- Name? - Kyle Broflovski.
- What? - Kenny McHeimenberg.
All right, get to Meshugana Hall. The meeting is already starting.
This is where the Elders meet.
Nobody is allowed to go in there when they're having a meeting.
I want to welcome you all.
Though we each come from a different sect of Judaism,
on this night of Jewbilee, we all pray to Moses as one.
Now, let us introduce ourselves.
Elder Karn from the Orthodox Synagogue.
Elder Harris from the Hasidic sect.
Elder Garth, from the synagogue of anti-Semites.
I don't believe I've heard of the anti-Semitic sect of Judaism before.
We're new.
Okay, Squirts, the Elders have given us a very important task tonight.
We're all going to make macaroni pictures, like this one,
using dry macaroni, paper, and glue.
How come we have to make macaroni pictures?
Because that's what Squirts do! Now shut your pie hole!
- What's your name? - No!
How come your head is looking so funny-looking?
And that's how we'll be making tonight's craft.
And so you see, Scouts, all you need is a bar of soap and a dull knife,
and you can make nifty soap sculptures like these.
Here's a giraffe and here's a cloud.
You can all pick up your bars of soap later on,
as we will all be making soap sculptures tonight.
Now, this year, we are pleased to announce that Jewbilee
has grown to over 100 Jew Scouts from all around the country.
All new inductees raise your hands.
That's you, Kenny. Raise your hand.
Yes, and what is your name, young man?
- Junichi. - Wonderful.
Could you run out and grab some of those candles for us?
There we go.
Now I would like all the new inductees to step forward please.
This part kind of sucks, Kenny. But don't screw it up.
Raise your left hand and repeat after me.
- I pledge to be a Jew Scout. - I pledge to be a Jew Scout.
- My honour wide and true. - My honour wide and true.
- I am proud to be a Jew Scout. - I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
- Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew. - Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
Okay, Squirts, let's see what you made macaroni pictures of.
- Ichmael? - Apple!
Good.
- Matthew? - Cat.
- Joseph? - Triangle!
Okay. Ike?
You don't make a macaroni picture of The Last Supper at a Jewish camp!
What the cheese?
Oh, my God! It's that bear they've been talking about!
Where'd he go? Squirts, go grab your gear!
We're gonna go hunt us a bear! Then I'll get my Hutzpah Badge for sure!
Enough already! What has Moses ever done for us?
All sects of Judaism follow the words of Moses.
Not mine. Tonight's meteor shower is a sign of the new time.
We should use it to pray to Haman and enter into a new millennium of faith.
Enough, Elder! You will not speak the name of Haman here!
All you ever do is worship Moses, but it says in the Book of Centuries
- That Haman will one day lead the Jews. - We pray to Moses here, Elder.
If you guys love Moses so much, why don't you marry him?
We accept all denominations of Judaism here at Scouts, Elder,
but your synagogue of anti-Semites is too strange.
Get out and do not return. You are no longer welcome here.
Fine!
Jewbilee is the time of Haman! You will all see how wrong you are very soon,
when Haman returns from the ninth tower of deaf illusionment
and smotes Moses and all his followers into pillars of dust
that would cry for their petty lives, but can't,
having recently been turned into dust and all.
You will see! You will see this very night!
Hello.
Come on, Kenny. You have to get in the circle.
This is where we all stand in a circle
and pray to Moses for guidance during Jewbilee.
It is not stupid, Kenny! This is my faith, and you shouldn't make fun of it!
All right, Jew Scouts. The meteor shower will start soon.
Let's pray to Moses for guidance.
Moses, great leader, on this blessed night of Jewbilee,
we ask for your tutelage.
May the teachings of Moses fill our ears and our hearts, respectively.
Stupid assholes! Moses isn't going to teach them anything.
Do not fear, Haman. This night shall be yours,
and the anti-Semitic Jews will once again rule the Earth!
We are Squirts, we are Squirts We're so kosher, that it hurts
When we get older, we'll be Scouts But until then, we are Squirts
There he is, Squirts.
Okay, Squirts, remember the plan, immobilize and attack.
Matthew, you immobilize the bear with a net,
then Echo team run up and attack it with your Squirt knives.
Don't get too close now,
just close enough to throw the net on the stupid bear.
Now!
Oh, Frank!
No!
Oh, no! Oh, God!
The bear took a Squirt. I'm gonna get it now!
Shut up, Kenny!
That's Moses, stupid.
Great Moses, we, your most loyal followers,
want to thank you a lot for coming.
The hour of Jewbilee is near. Let all debts be forgiven and all slaves freed.
All right, Scouts, let's all show Moses our soap sculptures,
so that he may rejoice and be pleased.
It's a duck.
"And it was foretold that the spirit of Moses would finally rest,
"when his spirit was imprisoned by Haman in a conch shell of blind faith."
A conch shell, like this one.
Moses, the Squirts have made you tidings of macaroni pictures.
They should be here any second. Where the hell are the Squirts?
We need those macaroni pictures for Moses right now!
Now, we'll just see how Mr. Bear likes rat poison.
Now, that ought to be enough to kill a stupid bear.
Okay, raise the tray!
Hutzpah Badge, here I come.
Yikes!
Okay. Here he comes. Easy now. Easy, Squirts.
Okay, Squirt, lower the tray.
That's it. That's it, you goddamn stupid bear-face.
- Jesus, hell, he got another Squirt! - Mommy!
You think you can stop me from getting my Hutzpah Badge, you stupid bear?
Think again!
Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya O Lord, kumbaya
Great and honourable Moses,
what do you desire from us, your children?
I desire...
I desire macaroni pictures.
Yes, yes. The macaroni pictures are coming right away.
Anything else you want from us, O Great Leader of the People?
I desire popcorn necklaces.
You heard him, get to making popcorn necklaces right away!
All you need is some popcorn and a needle and thread.
Hold!
There is an impurity.
Oh, no. He's on to me, Haman.
- An impurity, Moses? - This child here is not kosher.
- Don't worry, I know what to do. - Scout Broflovski,
have you defiled Jew Scouts by bringing a non-Hebrew to Jewbilee?
Elder, it's not my fault. He told me he was Jewish.
A non-Jew has infiltrated Jew Scouts and looked upon the face of Moses.
He must be dealt with.
You are banished from here.
You must leave before the great eating of carrot cake.
- He doesn't get cake? - No cake for the impuritor.
Go now. You do not belong here.
Elder! What are you doing?
He is reading from the book of Haman!
- Into the conch shell, Moses! - Help!
And there you shall stay, trapped for all eternity!
Elder, what have you done?
I told you. The meteor shower is the time of Haman!
I am running Jewbilee now.
- Release Moses now! - I don't think so.
When do we get to eat carrot cake?
Now, all of you into that building, or I'll shoot you where you stand!
- Elder, you can not mean... - Move!
Now! Now, Haman! Your time has come.
Dude, what the hell is going on?
If he summons Haman, we will all be destroyed.
We are Jew Squirts We know Jew words
Hold it, Squirts. This is where we'll set our trap.
Everyone, remember your squadron.
Alpha 5 and Gamma 7 will be on recon team.
Alpha will take left flank and flush the bear out of Sector 3.
Once we're in position, I want constant contact between all squad leaders.
We'll flush him out and then we'll attack him.
Remember, this is only a bear. All we have to do is stick together,
and we can spend the rest of the night making bear sandwiches.
- Where is Ichmael? - No.
God damn it!
You stupid goddamn son of a bear! You've taken your last Squirt!
Do you hear me?
"And the ancient one looked upon Haman as the new leader of the people.
"And it was the night that stars flew around the sky."
Yes! Yes!
If he summons Haman, it will be the end of everything we hold dear.
I wanna go home.
That bear thinks he can outsmart me.
Well, I'm not gonna let a stupid bear get...
Hold! Look over there!
It's one of the Squirts the bear took. Maybe he's okay.
It's a trap!
Damn! Damn, damn, damn! Okay, bear!
That does it! You want to kill all the Squirts?
You can have them! I give up! I don't need my Hutzpah Badge
or Jew Scouts or any of this crap! Forget it!
Let the new tide turn. Let Haman rule his people once again.
No!
We await your return, Haman. Your passage is safe from enemies.
It's hopeless. Haman will be summoned,
and we will be forced to obey him, or die.
- I'm fine with obeying. - Yeah, obeying should work out swell.
Don't worry, you guys. He forgot about Kenny. Kenny will help us.
- How? - Kenny will find a way.
Hey, welcome to the party.
See this little bear cub? It's his birthday.
Yeah, so his mommy brought us all over to play with him.
They are?
Come on, Squirts. We have to help them.
Yeah!
Elder Schwartz, I lost the Squirts!
I lost all the Squirts. But screw you!
I don't need your Hutzpah Badge anyway!
- Hello? - Shlomo, get us out of here!
What the cheese? What are you guys doing in there?
Get the keys and unlock the door!
- What? - Get the keys and unlock the door!
I lost the Squirts!
- Look out! - Don't move!
- Jiminy gravy, what is this? - It's the summoning of Haman, fool.
- The wakening of a new kingdom. - You can't wake Haman!
What would Moses say?
Moses is trapped for all eternity in the conch of blind faith.
Oh, no, you don't!
Enough of this waste of time.
"Haman, the great summoning is done! Upon these words let your spirit come!"
It is lost...
Hey, give that back!
- It's the Squirts! - Go, Ike!
Unlock the door, Squirts! The keys are up there!
- They'll never reach! - Squirts, fall in. Chinese formation.
Give me that book! Haman will deal with you!
Oh, no! It's too late!
- What is that? - It is Haman.
Yes! Yes!
Free. Free to punish those that imprisoned me.
Haman! It's me. Garth. I freed you.
Look!
Kenny! No!
Moses! No!
No! No!
Moses, I apologise for any inconvenience. You see, I was just...
Die!
- Hooray! - Kenny!
That blow to his head must have killed him.
He saved us. He saved all the Jews.
You know, I think we all learnt something today.
It's fine to have your own beliefs and your own traditions,
but as soon as you start excluding people from your ways,
only because of their race, you become separatist,
and being a separatist sucks ass.
We've learnt a lot from you and your great friend Kenny.
Every year we shall gather here in this special place
and bring Kenny tidings of soap sculptures and macaroni pictures.
- Yes! - And those little shaker things
where you put beans inside of paper plates that are glued together.
Paper plate bean shakers.
And let us put patterns of glue on the outside of those paper plates,
so we can then pour glitter on them, so they look nice and sparkly.
You heard him, Scouts. Let's get to work!